23 and Wiser - Part 1

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

-This is your life by Switchfoot

And that, my dear friends, is this year’s birthday theme song. For the 4th year in a row, that honor goes to a Switchfoot song.

Every year, on my birthday, I wake up with an existential crisis. I ask myself questions like “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose on earth?” and try to make sense of my life’s events. This often leads to a plunge in self esteem when I realize how insignificant I really am in the grand scheme of things. I also think about people my age (or younger) who have accomplished more than I have. The Wikipedia search tool has made that easier and more humbling. Not that I will consider myself “significant” when I get my spot on Wikipedia. Nevertheless, the significance of my life was the center of this year’s existential crisis. What are my goals in life? Are they going to make me “significant”?

When I was still in school, my goals were well defined. These goals were, by default, whatever would determine the next immediate phase of my academic career. My number one priority was simply to do well in school. I needed to do well first to get into a good secondary school, then a junior college, then a university. Even my extra-curricular activities in school were just another paper chase. There was a brief period of time in which I actually did explore my interests outside school. I learnt to sing, dance and play the flute. I educated myself in graphology. I embroidered several pieces. I even had some writing projects I tried to get off the ground. There was BE(A)WARE, an online newsletter in which I wanted to involve students who were branded as “difficult” in school. In yet another project, I went as far as publicly soliciting short stories about Singaporeans who studied abroad. There were plenty more attempts to break out of the education system to find out what else I was capable of. However, it was only a matter of time before I realized that this was a luxury I could ill-afford while I was still in school, and these projects and hobbies died out one by one. I do not blame the system. I am fully accountable for my inability to keep up with myself while I was still in “the system”.

College was a different beast. On one hand, I definitely had more opportunities to develop non-academic skills. I capitalized on those opportunities, and enjoyed every minute of it. I tried not to be too afraid of aligning my academic life with the rest of my life. If I would compromise my GPA while spreading myself thin, then so be it. I wanted an education, and not a paper chase. However, only one layer of constraints was removed at this stage. Although I felt free to pick up jobs and activities that did not traditionally complement my curriculum, I still only chose work that I knew I would be able to do well. I only had time to hone skills I already knew I had. I did not have the time or the motivation to break this invisible barrier and to explore other things. With all my time commitments, I could not risk spending time on something I might not be so good at. I now ask myself why not. Why did I feel obliged to only take up projects that I knew I could be successful at? I would hate to think that my job search had anything to do with it. After all, I made sure I did not turn my extra-curricular college education into a paper chase. If I did that nevertheless, then would the second layer of constraints spontaneously peel away after starting my first job out of college?

To be continued...