Bitter medicine

I have not blogged for a couple of days because I have been trying to work on a personal statement for an online Master’s program application. At first I felt that I should channel all my writing “qi” into that essay. However, before starting to write, I needed to do some soul searching on where I am in my life right now, and figure out why I turned out the way I did. Unwittingly, I reopened several wounds in the process during my trip down memory lane. Needless to say, I have been so distracted that I have not made satisfactory progress on my essay despite my several attempts to put the brakes on my emotional roller-coaster. Time for Plan B. I decided that I would gain some closure on my feelings if I wrote about them instead of trying to deny them. I’m writing this entry about healing. No, I am not talking about how to heal. I am more qualified to write about how to juggle chainsaws. I want to explain (to myself, mostly) why I chose not to heal.

The soul-searching process took me back several years when I was someone I can now hardly recognize as myself. Then I started to relive the bittersweet transformations that I made at various points of time. That was when I caved in to my emotions.

Now, everyone has a past. Everyone has had growing pains, and everyone had made life-changing transformations. Most people do not harbor as much pain as I do because they choose to heal, and rightfully so. However, I find it hard to let my pain go. I spent too much time trapped in this pain for me to simply walk away from it.

The biggest reason I have trouble letting this pain go is that I can’t bring myself to forgive the people who gave me that pain. People who know me know that not many things offend or upset me. It only takes a little of those few things, however, to tip me over the edge, and that damage is usually irreversible. That is one of my biggest flaws, and I agree that I should work on that. However, for now at least, I am unable to forgive. I have never confronted anyone with how I feel about what happened so long ago. I see no reason to do that. So I guess no one even knows that I’m still holding them accountable for certain things. Some are even proud of what they did. Maybe the lack of closure is what’s killing me, but is closure really worth it? Everyone is at peace with themselves and has moved on. Who am I to spoil that? These are such wonderful people that I am talking about, and I don’t see what good could possibly come out of hurting them.

Maybe I should try the forgiving thing then. After all, what didn’t kill me only made me stronger. Besides, If I don’t want to confront my demons, I should try to peacefully escort them out, right?

However, I feel like I need to keep my angry thoughts close by. Until last May, I was living in a different “world” in which I could chuck my past away in the bottom drawer and start fresh. Now that I am out of school, I see myself being sucked back into a world that bears a faint resemblance to my past. I fear that if I don’t remember why I was so miserable in the past, I would find myself living the same life that I ran away from. This is when I need my anger as a defense mechanism so that I don’t get hurt again. Now that lessons from my past are more relevant than they had been before, I need to harness my anger so that it helps me make the right choices instead of clouding my vision. I am proud to say that I have never shown any spite towards anyone from my past. This means that my anger is in check. In fact, I am on very good terms with everyone, and think they are great people. However, I refuse to stop holding them accountable for my past.

In short, I do not want to drive my demons away. I believe that these demons make me a better person. They help me to understand myself and appreciate my emotional growth over the years. I don’t even mind when I feel anger as a result of these demons. I like the fire in my belly that gets kindled. I believe that spiritual giants get formed this way. I just want to control these demons and prevent them from shaking my confidence and self esteem like they did this past weekend. I guess healing is not for me, and now that I have told myself that I made a conscious choice not to heal, I’ll be okay.