Forsaken Mirage - Part 1

The concept of Maya was crystal clear to me long before I actually recognized it as Maya. Mother Goose preached it to me when I was a child. She pretty much sold me on the fact that life was but a dream, and all I needed to do was to row my boat gently down the stream. Boat schmoat, stream schtream, but my mind latched onto the last line – “Life is but a dream”.

As I came of age, my innocent belief morphed into spirituality. When I was old enough to question religion, Maya was one of the first concepts I readily accepted. Maya liberated me. It validated my tendency to seethe about a problem until the next morning, when I would wake up wondering what the fuss was all about. It validated my indifference towards wealth. It validated my liking for change. I did not shed a tear when I said goodbye to my friends and family when I left home. I was more than ready to let go of one illusion and embrace the next. As such, my belief in Maya was my source of strength.

One more thing that Maya validated was my reluctance to allow people to get though to me. After certain events in my life, I took care not to get emotionally attached to another person in order to avoid having to “wake up” from the illusion and get hurt. There are many people with whom I could form meaningful relationships because they never asked me to give my heart up. That barrier I put up acted as a filter. The friendships I developed despite that filter were the ones that transcended the superficial levels of closeness and turned out to be the most meaningful. There is, however, one person who has tried very hard to get me to lay down my arms and be vulnerable to love. On one hand, I almost feel like Zach Braff’s character in Garden State who discovers the “beauty in the breakdown”. On the other hand, this is where Maya meets its match. My staunch belief in transience has prevented me from building bridges between myself and this person. I am so scared of emotional attachment to a supposedly illusory element that I am failing to recognize the very special person in front of me. I am still trying to find that balance between having a fulfilling and enriching worldly relationship and not succumbing to this worldly reality and losing all perspective. Right now, I am clueless. My botched attempt to partially open my barrier is not only crippling me little by little, but it is also hurting the feelings of this special person.

To be continued…